but I'm going to bring that wall down.

Today while I was on the train, I started listening to Ted Leo; something I haven't really done in a long time.
I was shuffling through my playlist--trying to decide on which song I wanted to hear-- when I settled on The Northeast Corridor.

I have listened to this song hundreds of times before, but I had never stopped to think about the lyrics.
I have found myself in this exact situation. This song describes perfectly what I'm feeling right now; it's actually a little frightening--

In a good way. Ted does that to me.



You can stretch your arm out, and you can keep your people at that length for as long as they'll stay.
You can't tell everyone everything; Not everyone needs or wants to hear everything, anyway.

But for me, it's alright-- I can wait until the end of the night.

So when I tell you four and four makes eight,
and you tell me that haste is gonna make waste--
just remember not to lock the garden gate because I'm coming when you call,
but I'm four hours away.

But for me it's alright--
I can wait until the end of the night.
And for you, it's okay--
Everyone is gonna tell you what they wanna hear, anyway.

The Northeast Corridor - Ted Leo

I realized that all the posts in this blog are at least an 8 on the miserable scale.
The only time I ever write is when I'm down. For some reason, I have no motivation to write when I'm happy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that, though; this blog is specifically for my venemous brain goo. I gotta put that shit somewhere.


Even though things are up in the air with Nicholas and the baby andI know that deep down, there are some terrible things to come,

I feel content right now. I feel okay.

There's a lot I wanna say about my little nephew: Concerns of his safety, whether or not my mom and I are going to be taking care of him while his parents get sober, or if he'll be put into foster care...

but not right now. Nothing is decided. I can't get my head all messed up over this when a decision hasn't even been made.

I'm peaceful.


It's kind of weird feeling, but I'd like to get used to it.

Dear socially anxious pale kid:

The year is 2009. I suggest you throw out your calendar from 2005 and start catching up.

You're not a suicidal 15 year old anymore.
You're not the awkward kid in gym class who doesn't move for the ball.
You're not having a panic attack in the girl's washroom.
You're not in the Young Adult Program.

It's been four years, and I know you're aware of how much you've changed. Haven't you said it yourself?
"I've grown up so much. It's hard to believe I'm the same person."

So what's the deal? Why are you sitting at the bottom of that well?
I know you know why, but I'm going to point it out to you anyway. Consider this a learning experience.

First thing's first:
Your anger.

You're furious with your brother.
He's self righteous, immature, delusional and he is largely responsible for your mother's accident.
This past month has made you realize things you had chosen to ignore in order to reconcile with him.
You're pissed off because you feel like you've been had. He's pulled the wool over your eyes, again.

So what are you going to do about it?
Are you going to let your anger sit on your shoulders for the rest of your life? Are you going to carry this grudge to the grave?

You say that you'd forgive him if he would just apologize. But let's be honest: that may never happen. He might say it tomorrow, he might say it in 30 years. He might not say it at all.

Don't wait for him to come to his senses. You've been doing that for nearly 5 years.
You're going to have to accept the fact and move on with your life. Stop letting your anger control you.

I know what you're thinking, you're saying:
"But that's so much easier said than done!"
And you're right, it is.
It's not easy. It's not going to happen overnight. You've got so much anger built up, and it's gonna take some time before it all ebbs away, but it will happen.
You just have to let it go, bit by bit.

Now that we're on the "healing process" topic, let's talk about the second pressing issue:

Your anger towards yourself.

When you were 15, you hated yourself more than anything.
You resented your own existence. That's some pretty heavy shit, huh?
Remember how you promised yourself that you would never see the age of 20?

Well, now you're 19. Your 20Th birthday is only 4 months away.
Think back on the last 4 (nearly 5!) years:
Look how far you have come! Look at the progress you have made!
You've put yourself through hell and back, and you've learned from it.
Everything you went through has attributed to the person you are today.

So now that you've finished your little flashback, take a look at yourself now.
I mean, right this second. Give yourself a quick analysis.

You're reverting, slowly but surely.
Doesn't that fucking scare you?

You're getting lost in your head and you're starting to put up walls again.
Remember Saturday night, how you started to freeze?
It felt like high school all over again: You don't want to be vulnerable in a crowd, so you close up and turn away from others. You alienate yourself.
You're so awkward, it hurts.
Thinking about it makes you sick.

And I know that now, even walking down the street, you feel like your insides are showing.
You feel so vulnerable right now, and you're not sure why.
When you try and scoop up your insides and put them back in place, you start putting up walls so that they won't fall out again.

...
I don't have a remedy for you. I haven't figured out how to solve this problem yet.
Okay, sure, I can give you the obvious counselor bullshit you've heard all your life--
but that doesn't mean shit. "Loosen up, be yourself! You're a fantastic human being, blehlblehlbelh"

I just want you to be aware of what you're doing. I think that, deep down (and I'm talking DEEP down), you know what you have to do. You don't know how to articulate it, and you're not even sure what it is exactly that you need to do-
but you can feel it.

Don't let go of that.

You can pull yourself out of the grave you're digging. This does not have to be like all the other times. You can change this for yourself.

I know that this has been a pain to read, and let me tell you, it was a bitch to write.
It's messy, a gramatic nightmare, and some parts don't really make sense. That's okay, it doesn't need to. This is for you. This is all to make you aware of yourself.

It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to show your insides.


You should take your own advice once in a while.

Be good to yourself!


Love,


The Socially anxious pale kid