Everything is kind of fucked up right now.


I want to elaborate on that, but I'm not sure where to begin.
Nutshells are good. Here's one:

My brother is drinking. He has said himself that he has a problem with crack AND alcohol. He knows he should not be drinking, so why is he doing it?

Jen, his girlfriend, is fucked.
I don't even know where to start with this. She has five kids now, all with different fathers.
She hardly sees them. From what I've seen and heard, she doesn't really have a bond with any of them.
She wants to leave Nick because she doesn't trust him. I think that's bullshit; she just wants to cut her responsibilities and take off. I can't even bear to think of what she's like when she's alone with baby Nicholas.

My mom broke her hip in Vancouver, and my brother played a huge role in her accident.
I've never seen my mother so angry with him before. It makes me angry, too.

Dad is still not taking Nick's calls. He doesn't seem that excited about his grandson.
He and Nick have never had a good relationship, but I was hoping that the birth of Nicholas IV would bring my father closer to his son.
Didn't happen like that.

I have this horrible, horrible gut feeling that Nicholas IV will be removed from my brother's care.
My brother is NOT ready to be a father.
He is too self absorbed to take care of another human being. Fuck, he can barely handle taking care of himself and Jen.
I wanted to believe that fatherhood would make him into a strong, reliable and mature individual, but he's got a long fucking way to go before he can become that person,
and he doesn't have much time to do it.

Jen is a danger to herself, my brother and the baby.
My brother isn't mature enough to cope with it. I don't know if he even realizes what a dangerous situation he's in right now.

Everything is falling apart for them, and it's barely been a week since baby Nicholas has come home.
I am so so so scared for that kid.

From the moment he was conceived, it was already decided that he would not have an easy ride.
With two addicts for parents, it was guaranteed he was going to have to struggle.

We all knew that.
We were all hoping that Nick and Jen could do their best for this child and create a stable environment for him, but I don't think they're capable of it.

I don't want to think of baby Nicholas going to another family. I don't want to think about losing my nephew

but it's possible. It's likely.

Everything feels messy right now. I'm frustrated because there is NOTHING I can do in this situation; I have to sit back and watch from the sidelines.

It's up to Nick and Jen to work this out, and that terrifies me.

I have to let go, I know there is nothing I can do,
but it's so hard.

This entry is a mess and so is my head.
I wanted to try and clarify and sort things out for myself by writing this, but I didn't accomplish much.
Just shuffled a bunch of papers and put them aside.

Feels better to write about it, though.

I just want to see my nephew. I want to get to hold him and spoil him and hold his little hand
and I think that I would feel a thousand times better if I could just look at his little face, just once.

Tomorrow night, tomorrow night, tomorrow night
just one more night until I can see him!