When I think of sitting down and speaking to my brother, I feel a little nervous.

There are so many things that I could say to him, and a lot of it is quite unpleasant. It would be so hard to express what it is I feel, that even thinking of the matter makes me queasy.
My silence is so much easier to maintain, and in a way, I have found a sort of comfort in my anger and it has given me a reason to avoid him.

But what good has it really done me? What good has it done anyone? I know that it hurts him, and I do not take any solace in the fact. I feel like a horrible human being. I have acted no better than him.

I don't know what it is exactly about the idea of reconciliation that scares me so much. Perhaps it is because that it would mean letting go of the anger I feel, and knowing full well that he could hurt me again in the future. As jaded as it makes me sound, I am tired of thinking "This is it" and then being let down once again.

Despite all that though, he is my brother and he always will be. Maybe he won't ever recover, and maybe he will always be hanging in the abyss- but he will always remain my brother.
I don't really know where to go from here, all I know is that I have to forgive him. I should speak to him.
I should tell him how much I have been hurt, and that I still love him.

He will call on the 23rd of December, and I will ask to speak to him.
What happens after that, I can't tell, I can only try my best for resolution.

The Weakerthans - A New Name For Everything
Ted Leo And The Pharmacists - First To Finish, Last To Start
Fleet Foxes - He Doesn't Know Why
Ghost Bees - Tear Tassle Ogre Heart

Anxiety can and will find a way to spoil everything for you.

You would hate to admit it to anyone, even to yourself, but you simply can't enjoy yourself because there is always something eating away at you from the back of your mind.
Now, it really would be silly to let such a thing as fear of, say, food or people, get in the way of a good time and a great experience.
But it happens, doesn't it? In fact, it is at those times specifically when anxiety will rear its ugly head.

You meet family you haven't seen in years, and you freeze up.
You taste delicious food and you feel guilty for even thinking of eating it.

Anxiety will grab you and put you in a choke hold when you are meant to be enjoying life most.

So what can you do to stop it?
If I had the answer to that, I doubt I'd be in such a predicament.

All there really is to do is look forward and tell yourself that everything is okay.
You've come too far a way to let anxiety take control of your life, so stop it while you can.

Just keep telling yourself that.

Cold War Kids - Something Is Not Right With Me
World/Inferno Friendship - Please My Favorite Don't Be Sad
The Chinese Stars - Sick Machine
Radiohead - Climbing Up The Walls