When I think of sitting down and speaking to my brother, I feel a little nervous.

There are so many things that I could say to him, and a lot of it is quite unpleasant. It would be so hard to express what it is I feel, that even thinking of the matter makes me queasy.
My silence is so much easier to maintain, and in a way, I have found a sort of comfort in my anger and it has given me a reason to avoid him.

But what good has it really done me? What good has it done anyone? I know that it hurts him, and I do not take any solace in the fact. I feel like a horrible human being. I have acted no better than him.

I don't know what it is exactly about the idea of reconciliation that scares me so much. Perhaps it is because that it would mean letting go of the anger I feel, and knowing full well that he could hurt me again in the future. As jaded as it makes me sound, I am tired of thinking "This is it" and then being let down once again.

Despite all that though, he is my brother and he always will be. Maybe he won't ever recover, and maybe he will always be hanging in the abyss- but he will always remain my brother.
I don't really know where to go from here, all I know is that I have to forgive him. I should speak to him.
I should tell him how much I have been hurt, and that I still love him.

He will call on the 23rd of December, and I will ask to speak to him.
What happens after that, I can't tell, I can only try my best for resolution.

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